The News Blimp

 ”Hurry up! I need this new fan to cool my fat ass in Ellie May’s trailer.”

 ”What do you mean, you’re out of the Extra Small Okamoto Crown Condoms?”

Hey, shoppers. Here’s your Walmart Special for today.

                              The News Blimp 2010

Bob Dylan nailed it…years ago.

Broken lines, broken strings
Broken threads, broken springs,
Broken idols, broken heads,
People sleeping in broken beds.
Ain’t no use jiving,
Ain’t no use joking,
Everything is broken.

Broken bottles, broken plates,
Broken switches, broken gates,
Broken dishes, broken parts,
Streets are filled with broken hearts.
Broken words never meant to be spoken,
Everything is broken.

Seems like every time you stop and turn around
Something else just hit the ground

Broken cutters, broken saws,
Broken buckles, broken laws,
Broken bodies, broken bones,
Broken voices on broken phones
Take a deep breath, feel like you’re chokin’,
Everything is broken.

Every time you leave and go off someplace
Thangs/Things fall to pieces in my face

Broken hands on broken ploughs,
Broken treaties, broken vows,
Broken pipes, broken tools,
People bending broken rules.
Hound dog howling, bull frog croaking,
Everything is broken.

-Bob Dylan

“Everything is Broken”-RL Burnside

                         The News Blimp 2010

                              The News Blimp 2010

As raging, lunatic homophobes among us discredit the ability of Elena Kagan to sit on our highest court because she may be a lesbian soft baller…US Senator James Inhofe claims soldiers in battle won’t fight as hard if their trench mates are gay.

Barnstorming idiot Sarah Palin vows “mama grizzlies” will “take this country back” in November.

Our environment perishes… amid loss of lives and livelihoods…and BP CEO Tony Hayward has the arrogance to swear that the Gulf oil spill is “relatively tiny” compared to the “very big ocean”…

…while president Obama asserts offshore oil drilling will continue to be part of America’s “overall energy strategy”.

Rampant stupidity, greed and ignorance engulf us.

Which takes us to San Francisco Chronicle film critic Mick LaSalle’s review this morning of the new Robin Hood movie. Considering some of our current national mess, several of LaSalle’s lines practically leapt off the page as we read them.

Describing the general posture of existence during the 12th century…LaSalle writes “Mainly we see harshness and ugliness. The common people are stupid and the wealthy are evil schemers, and even the good guys smell to high heaven”.

Hello contemporary homophobes, tea-baggers, corporate CEO’s and masquerading politicos!

Then, analyzing the role of the medevil Robin Hood, LaSalle continues…“Russell Crowe…is utterly believable as the unconcious standard-bearer of the future, the select man through whom humanity might make some small, desperately needed advance.”

A scary line if you drop B. Obama’s name into the beginning of that sentence.

The calendar flies forward…yet human corruption, ignorance and greed stands still.

We might as well be living in Robin Hood’s 12th century.

                              The News Blimp 2010

Americanos. We can be such hypocrites.

Pass the tequila. Down that margarita.

Dip those salty chips into the red hot salsa.

Guacamole? Hell yeah, amigo. Bring it on.

And don’t forget we want our chimichangas, tamales, enchiladas ‘n refries served hot and pronto.

Then wash it all down with some really cold Corona or Negra Modelo.

We just love everything Mexican.

On Cinco de Mayo.

Americanos! We can’t feed our faces fast enough or get loaded quick enough each May 5th.  All because back in 1862 a group of Mexican patriots was able to defeat an invasion force of French soldiers. Seems the fledgling Mexican government owed the Napoleonic French a bunch of loot they’d borrowed trying to win the 1846-48 Mexican-America War…and the French were tired of waiting for the debt to be serviced…so to speak.

That May 5th victory in 1862 over the French was celebrated by the poor, young nation as a momentous achievement. The brave victory of the undermanned Mexican force became the stuff of legends…and the ensuing years brought celebrations of Mexican culture, food and customs…on both sides of the Mexican-American border.

Because those Mexicans were heroes.

And now…almost two centuries removed…we Americans continue to indulge ourselves in boozy fiestas celebrating that long ago Mexican victory…while understanding little or nothing of the proud culture sharing our southern border.

Which is why…we suppose…some of our elected officials have taken it upon themselves to construct racist immigration legislation in order to segregate them from among us. To question them for their purpose. To demand to see their papers. To vault them into our prisons if they don’t have documentation. To be ignorant of the work ethic of the culture. To ignore the freedoms our Mexican neighbors have sought in pursuit of better lives for their families.

Yet this day in America we drink their beer…demand more salty chips and spicy salsa…and gorge ourselves with tamales and enchiladas.

Americanos. We are such hypocrites. 

                              The News Blimp 2010

Through the years…Arizona leadership has often been marked by Wild West stupidity, intrigue, arrogance and pork barrel politics.

In fact, prior to becoming a state in 1912…Arizona governors were appointed by the president of the United States…oink, oink. Since then…at all levels of government and representation…this southwest desert state has consistently produced for it’s denizens a virtual grab bag of incompetents, wackos and felons.

Must be something in the water…little that there is...which makes these people nuts.

‘08 GOP presidential candidate and hypocrite Senator John McCain…suffering now with delusion and amnesia in his bitter re-election campaign against windbag former congressman J.D. Hayworth…might actually someday be recalled with fondness when compared to other Arizona high office holders.

Such as some of the recent stooge governors who’ve “run” the state…including Republican Evan Mecham…who while in office during the 1980’s, once described an Afro-American child as a “pickaninny”…and was impeached for obstruction of justice and misuse of government funds. Fife Symington…another Republican…resigned the governor’s office after being slammed with charges of extortion and making false financial statements which led to his conviction of bank fraud in 1997.

However, current Republican governor Jan Brewer might actually trump those losers with some of her recent looney actions.

Brewer officially joined the “Wing Nut Hall of Fame” April 16th, by signing into law a bill that…beginning this summer….will allow gun owners to carry concealed weapons without a permit.  This new law sits side-by-side with one Brewer signed last year allowing loaded guns in bars and restaurants…as long as the gun carrier is not “drinking in the bar”.

Huh? “Not drinking in a bar?”  While carrying a loaded gun? Tucked inside your leather belt?

Governor Brewer, we need another shot of Jack after attempting to make sense of that one.

Then, going even further off the deep end…Brewer also signed a separate law that exempts guns made and kept in Arizona from federal regulation, including background checks.

Murderer? Bank robber? Burglar? Child molester?  Want a gun? It’s OK, buddy…if the gun’s been made in Arizona.

The folly in Brewer’s decisions is mind boggling.

Yet somehow her new laws make complete sense given the history of Arizona. Brewer is simply upholding the century old tradition of Wild West crazies “leading” the place.

Arizona. It’s probably not a destination you’ll want to visit soon. Too bad for the state…as…”hello!!!”… it’s leading industry is…tourism.

Afterall…why would anyone from out-of-state risk being shot by some guy innocently nudged past at the local Applebee’ s bar…all because a date wanted a fresh cosmo?

Except every eager outlaw who’ll soon be storming the state to load up on weapons and ammo.

Bang. Bang.

Arizona’s dead.

                                The News Blimp 2010

Thanks to words, we have been able to rise above the brutes; and thanks to words, we have often sunk to the level of the demons.
-Aldous Huxley

                             The News Blimp 2010

      The News Blimp 2010

Baseball 2010 has arrived!

A few days ago The Blimp Crew caught this terrific description of the game by Oklahoma City Journal writer Ted Streuli and thought we’d share some of it with you.

It’s my favorite week of the year. Despite that, I am not going to bore you with a single baseball-as-a-metaphor-for-life story. You will not get from me a single rambling descriptive passage about the smell of newly mown grass, the taste of a Polish sausage doused in mustard and sauerkraut or hope, which springs eternal.

Baseball is a beautiful sport, athleticism for the world’s ponderers. It is graceful lines and power, the minutiae of guessing the next fastball’s placement and the grandeur of a carousel as four runners cross the plate. It is an opportunity for friends to solve the ills of Western Civilization interrupted by an occasional crack, cheer, groan or curse. It is a chance to get tan without a beach and to forget, as the game has, that any clock is ticking anywhere in the universe, one-fourth of which is in fair territory.

Nice.

Now if we could just do something about the pajama style baseball pants being worn by what seems like 95% of the players.

Sloppy.

Most of these guys look like they should be kicking back in a barcalounger with a Sunday morning newspaper…rather than digging in against the likes of Tim Lincecum.

Really. 

For the sake of what you guys think is on-the-field fashionable for the 21st century game…you could be missing out on one of the few advantages you may have as hitters.

In the excellent James Hirsch Willie Mays biography…Hirsch describes the rookie’s early hitting struggles after being called up to the New York Giants in 1951.

Like many rooks early in their careers, Willie was getting busted by umps in the strike zone. But his manager, Leo Durocher, believed Mays could counter some of the strikes being called on him with one simple adjustment…raising his uniform pants.

Durocher told Willie if the pants cuffs were worn too low, hitters got hurt on the low strike. Leo was convinced that if not enough of the stirrups were displayed…it was too hard to tell where a hitter’s knees were.

But that was back in the days when uniforms weren’t tailored and the pants legs were really loose.

No reason for that today.

Pull up those pants.

Show some sock.

Who knows?

In raising your pants…you might also hike up your on base percentage.

Play ball!